N12 street during it's rebirth to condo land.

p.s. your condo is built on an old lead paint factory.

Hey at least your in a cool spot.

So your getting married huh? Have you ever been to Florida?

Dinner parties are fun

BED BUGS

A ten-minute play by Jon Bass.

Characters

DIANE

A girl.

JARED

A boy.

(Lights up. A living room. JARED is sitting on the couch, hands in head. DIANE is pacing, obviously upset. You can tell that they’ve already been going at it for quite some time, and once again, she is pissed.)

DIANE

It’s disgusting!

JARED

I know that! What? You don’t think I know that? I know that!

DIANE

And yet—and yet you are doing nothing about it, doesn’t that strike you as odd?!

JARED

What would you like me to do? What? What!?

DIANE

Do what any normal person would do, Jared, clean your fucking room!

JARED

I did! I did do that, I cleaned it twice! I took everything out, I cleaned every last orifice of my room—

DIANE

Orifice?

JARED

I—I—I got that bug stuff for my bed—I did everything, it’s not my fault!

DIANE

Oh, it must be that they just love you so much that they can’t leave you, is that it?

JARED

C’mon Diane—

DIANE

No, no, Jared, it’s fucking disgusting! I am trying here, Jared, I really am, but how do you expect me to stay over here when I can’t fall asleep because you have an infestation of tiny little creatures that get into everything I own, and ruin my fucking life!

JARED

Okay, now I think your being a little overdramatic Di—

DIANE

My friends won’t answer my calls. They’re afraid that if I hang out with them they’ll get them too, and they can’t take that risk. At first I thought they were being bitches, but no, they’re right, Jared, this is no way to live. Now, I understand that it might be extremely easy for you to go through life living like this, I understand that. What, with not having a job or ever leaving your apartment other than to take me to Avatar for the umpteenth time, but I am fucking sick of it. I am done. Done.

JARED

I’ll clean my room again, okay?

DIANE

No, Jared, honey, it’s not just the room—

JARED

What are you—

DIANE

It’s you. It’s your life, your lifestyle. It’s all just not working for me…

JARED

Oh, c’mon, Di. I got fired a month ago, I’m gonna get a new job, but it’s not that easy, people in my line of work don’t just walk into any store and go give me a job, “Hello, I’m here to apply for a job.” Ugh, that sounds gross—

DIANE

Everyone, Jared, what the fuck are you talking about!? Everyone does that! That’s how people get jobs, I mean—wait…”People in my line of work?”

JARED

Yes!

DIANE

Jared, you worked at a bakery, not even as a baker, you just sold goddamn cookies all the time!

JARED

It’s not—damnit, Diane, it’s not just cookies!

DIANE

Oh, oooooh, I am so sorry, did I leave out the pastries? What?

JARED

I meant being an actor! Maybe you forgot Diane, but I kinda went to school for four years training to be an actor!

DIANE

Don’t, don’t say four years as if you went to some magical school that made you learn extra hard. Jared, we all went to school for four years, except, now, the difference between my four and your four is that it wasn’t spent playing games and rolling around on the ground—

JARED

Unfair, Di!

DIANE

Learning about the self! Bullshit! Oh, Woe is me, woe is Jared…You know, you’d think that somewhere in those four years they’d teach a class in how not to be a total fucking mess of a boyfriend!

JARED

You are way out of line!

DIANE

I have bites all over my body! All over! Look, look at this! This is not normal Jared…I just, ugh, I just want a normal boyfriend, with a normal job, who doesn’t live in squalor—

JARED

Then go find him, Di! You’re right…go ahead. Far be it from me to stop you from living your life as a normal, productive being of society. I forgot that you studied the all-encompassing subject of philosophy! Last I checked the world wasn’t in dire need of any new philosophers, unless you’d like to join the crazy guy outside Berry street. He looks like he could use some help covering the—the—um…

DIANE

Jesus, you’ve spent so much time watching Netflix that your mind has turned to shit. You can’t even come up with a proper comeback. It’s sad. I mean how many times can someone watch The Office?!

JARED

The British one has many nuances you don’t pick out the first time around, kay!?

DIANE

And what about the third time around?!

JARED

Oh, screw you.

DIANE

Not anymore, mister!

JARED

Funny, funny, Funny Diane. Oh, she’s so smart, because she has a job as a temp at a think tank! Look at her, walking down the street—

DIANE

Just, shut up, Jared—

JARED

Don’t—don’t…don’t tell me to shut up, okay. Just don’t do that.

(Pause.)

DIANE

I really…I just can’t live like this, Jar…

JARED

The bed bugs, I’m—I’m telling you, they’re not my fault. I promise, I’m doing everything I can to get rid of them—

DIANE

You have to keep your room clean, you can’t just clean it up once and then go back to not cleaning it and not expect them to not come back…

JARED

There were way too many double negatives in that sentence—

DIANE

I mean, Jesus, think Jared.

JARED

I know, I know, and I’m sorry, I promise from now on, you know, I’ll keep my room clean…

DIANE

I had a dream last night, Jar…that I was going around the city with this huge bed bug crawling around my skin, I mean, I wasn’t grossed out by it, it was weird, it was like this bed bug was my friend, like this bed bug was you, like my boyfriend. And I was having a great time. We were holding hands and shopping together and this bed bug was making me laugh, and then it grew even bigger, as big as me, and then it chewed my head off.

JARED

Jesus, Di, you should probably see someone about that—

DIANE

Don’t you get it Jared!? You are the bed bug! You bit off my head…

JARED

I would never bite off your head, that’s ridiculous—

DIANE

Metaphorically…Damnit, Jar, it’s a—

JARED

I knew that, Di, I was just making a joke—

DIANE

I just, I’m sorry, but I think it’s over. I think we’re over.

JARED

No, don’t…don’t say that. You don’t mean that.

DIANE

I can’t live with you—

JARED

I’m going to get rid of them!

DIANE

It’s not them, Jared! I mean, yes, initially, yes, it was them, but it’s more than that—it’s…I shudder at night when you touch me. That’s not…normal. And I think to myself, you know, “Why? Why am I in this relationship?” And…Jesus, I can’t come up with one good reason…

JARED

Alright, I think we’re both saying things that we don’t necessarily mean right now—

DIANE

Jared…

JARED

I’m going to clean my room—and, and, I’ll get the bed bug spray and I’ll spray the shit out of everything, and I’ll clean both of our clothes like 3 times today and when you get back from work, you know, like you’ll have calmed down by then and then we can talk, sans bed bugs…kay?

DIANE

I just can’t do this anymore—

JARED

Stop saying that!

DIANE

I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t—

JARED

Okay…Okay, I get it, you can’t…

DIANE

We are just…ugh, I mean, do you really think this relationship is healthy? Forget about the bed bugs, right, just forget about them, and answer me honestly, do you think this is a healthy relationship?

JARED

What do you want from me?

DIANE

Just answer the question, Jared!

JARED

Well, I don’t know—

DIANE

Oh God—

JARED

Seriously, I don’t…I don’t even know what that means, “A healthy relationship.” What you mean like do we go on jogs together?

DIANE

Don’t be a smartass, don’t try to be funny right now!

JARED

You think—you think I’m trying to be funny right now? In the midst of you breaking up with me, and doing a shit job at it, you think I wanna start cracking wise?! No, I’m serious, you say that like it actually means something. I don’t know any one of our friends that has a “Healthy” relationship, because those people are boring. And anyone who pretends like they are in that, well they are fucking lying to each other because it just doesn’t exist. You know what I think?

DIANE

Please, enlighten me…

JARED

I think…you’re afraid—

DIANE

What?! Of What!?

JARED

You’re afraid that you’re falling too hard for me—

DIANE

Oh my—

JARED

What?!

DIANE

Please, Jared, no…hahaha…oh god, no, no…

JARED

You don’t have to laugh…

DIANE

I’m—you’re right, you’re right. I’m sorry—

JARED

I mean, is it that ridiculous to think that maybe that’s the case?

DIANE

No, it’s not, you’re right—

JARED

I’m right?

DIANE

About, Jared, about it not being that ridiculous, but not about me falling too hard for you, you are definitely not right about that.

JARED

Oh, I am definitely not right?

DIANE

Well—

JARED

Definitely, she says.

DIANE

I just know what I feel right now, and it’s not that, yes Jared, it is definitely not that. I think you’re a great guy, and—

JARED

Oh, give me a fucking break—

DIANE

And I still wanna be friends with you, but—

JARED

Will you stop treating me like I’m some regular guy who you’ve been dating for 6 months, okay, will you just save me the semantics—

DIANE

You are a guy who I’ve been dating for six months!

JARED

I want you to look me in the eyes, okay, I want you to look at me deep in the eyes and say that you don’t want to be with this anymore—

DIANE

I don’t want to be with you anymore—

JARED

No! Don’t just—really look in them, kay? You can’t just answer super fast like that, that’s not how it works.

DIANE

How what works?

JARED

Just do it, okay? Humor me, please and just do it.

DIANE

Ugh…fine, fine, whatever…

(DIANE and JARED stare at each other for a good five seconds.)

DIANE

Can I say it now?

JARED

Uh huh…

DIANE

I don’t want to be with you anymore.

JARED

Well, then…if that’s how it is, that’s how it is I guess.

DIANE

I still want to be friends, Jar, I really do…

JARED

Okay…

DIANE

You know, we can still hang out. We’re still friends, right?

JARED

I don’t…I can’t be your friend, Di. I mean, I love you. You are someone that I love, do you get that? Someone that I thought I was gonna be in the long haul with—and I know you think that sounds stupid, I know that, I think it sounds stupid too, ya know…but, fuck, it’s true. The long haul…stupid…

DIANE

No, hey, no…no, that’s not stupid, it’s not, it’s sweet, Jar, it’s really sweet…

JARED

Yeah, alright…

DIANE

Alright…

JARED

So, I guess you gotta go to work, yeah? So, tell ya what, I’ll go ahead and clean all your stuff—

DIANE

Oh, no, Jar, you really don’t have to—

JARED

No, no, three times like I said, and, uh, and when you get back, you know, it’ll be in a bag—I’ll, I’ll put it in one of mine and, you know, you can just return it whenever, or…whatever…

DIANE

That’s, yeah, okay, that’s really sweet of you, Jar—

JARED

It’s whatever…

DIANE

Yeah, okay…well, ahem, I, um, I—I should go, um, get to work—

JARED

Yeah, yeah, of course…

DIANE

I’ll come by later though and, yeah…

JARED

Yeah.

(DIANE starts to head for the door. JARED takes a seat. DIANE stops at the door, she lowers her head.)

DIANE

Maybe you’re right…

JARED

What’s that?

DIANE

Maybe…Maybe I’m scared, you know, of this…the next step…being in it for the long haul, God, that really does sound stupid, but—no, Jar, maybe it’s just nerves, or, or something…

JARED

You really mean it?

DIANE

I don’t—I don’t know anymore, but you’re right, healthy relationship, what does that even mean? What we have, this is something, you know, something real, even if it is a little fucked, it’s real.

JARED

Oh, Di, I love you so much…

(JARED runs to DIANE, and DIANE runs to JARED. They embrace, they kiss. All is well!)

DIANE

Whatever this is, we can work it ou—

(JARED slaps DIANE across the face. They separate and DIANE holds onto her freshly slapped face.)

DIANE

Ow! Jared, what the fuck—

JARED

I got it—

DIANE

Jared, you slapped me!

JARED

Fucking bed bug, I got you! Di, look, I got it!

DIANE

Yeah. No, I was right—

JARED

What?

DIANE

We’re done! I can’ t believe I fucking thought that even for a second…

(DIANE quickly makes an exit.)

JARED

Di, Di! I’m sorry! (Pause.) Fucking bedbugs!

(Lights out. End of play.)

New work: On the topic of conformity.

For all you Dirt balls that enjoy loft910 as a crash pad.

OMG take off your shoes.

New head shots O-boy lady's and genital men IT"SSSSSS Jon Bass in the Jon Bass Show

Falling from the fist tight grasps of a dream with endless time, awake to the task at hand.