BED BUGS
A ten-minute play by Jon Bass.
Characters
DIANE
A girl.
JARED
A boy.
(Lights up. A living room. JARED is sitting on the couch, hands in head. DIANE is pacing, obviously upset. You can tell that they’ve already been going at it for quite some time, and once again, she is pissed.)
DIANE
It’s disgusting!
JARED
I know that! What? You don’t think I know that? I know that!
DIANE
And yet—and yet you are doing nothing about it, doesn’t that strike you as odd?!
JARED
What would you like me to do? What? What!?
DIANE
Do what any normal person would do, Jared, clean your fucking room!
JARED
I did! I did do that, I cleaned it twice! I took everything out, I cleaned every last orifice of my room—
DIANE
Orifice?
JARED
I—I—I got that bug stuff for my bed—I did everything, it’s not my fault!
DIANE
Oh, it must be that they just love you so much that they can’t leave you, is that it?
JARED
C’mon Diane—
DIANE
No, no, Jared, it’s fucking disgusting! I am trying here, Jared, I really am, but how do you expect me to stay over here when I can’t fall asleep because you have an infestation of tiny little creatures that get into everything I own, and ruin my fucking life!
JARED
Okay, now I think your being a little overdramatic Di—
DIANE
My friends won’t answer my calls. They’re afraid that if I hang out with them they’ll get them too, and they can’t take that risk. At first I thought they were being bitches, but no, they’re right, Jared, this is no way to live. Now, I understand that it might be extremely easy for you to go through life living like this, I understand that. What, with not having a job or ever leaving your apartment other than to take me to Avatar for the umpteenth time, but I am fucking sick of it. I am done. Done.
JARED
I’ll clean my room again, okay?
DIANE
No, Jared, honey, it’s not just the room—
JARED
What are you—
DIANE
It’s you. It’s your life, your lifestyle. It’s all just not working for me…
JARED
Oh, c’mon, Di. I got fired a month ago, I’m gonna get a new job, but it’s not that easy, people in my line of work don’t just walk into any store and go give me a job, “Hello, I’m here to apply for a job.” Ugh, that sounds gross—
DIANE
Everyone, Jared, what the fuck are you talking about!? Everyone does that! That’s how people get jobs, I mean—wait…”People in my line of work?”
JARED
Yes!
DIANE
Jared, you worked at a bakery, not even as a baker, you just sold goddamn cookies all the time!
JARED
It’s not—damnit, Diane, it’s not just cookies!
DIANE
Oh, oooooh, I am so sorry, did I leave out the pastries? What?
JARED
I meant being an actor! Maybe you forgot Diane, but I kinda went to school for four years training to be an actor!
DIANE
Don’t, don’t say four years as if you went to some magical school that made you learn extra hard. Jared, we all went to school for four years, except, now, the difference between my four and your four is that it wasn’t spent playing games and rolling around on the ground—
JARED
Unfair, Di!
DIANE
Learning about the self! Bullshit! Oh, Woe is me, woe is Jared…You know, you’d think that somewhere in those four years they’d teach a class in how not to be a total fucking mess of a boyfriend!
JARED
You are way out of line!
DIANE
I have bites all over my body! All over! Look, look at this! This is not normal Jared…I just, ugh, I just want a normal boyfriend, with a normal job, who doesn’t live in squalor—
JARED
Then go find him, Di! You’re right…go ahead. Far be it from me to stop you from living your life as a normal, productive being of society. I forgot that you studied the all-encompassing subject of philosophy! Last I checked the world wasn’t in dire need of any new philosophers, unless you’d like to join the crazy guy outside Berry street. He looks like he could use some help covering the—the—um…
DIANE
Jesus, you’ve spent so much time watching Netflix that your mind has turned to shit. You can’t even come up with a proper comeback. It’s sad. I mean how many times can someone watch The Office?!
JARED
The British one has many nuances you don’t pick out the first time around, kay!?
DIANE
And what about the third time around?!
JARED
Oh, screw you.
DIANE
Not anymore, mister!
JARED
Funny, funny, Funny Diane. Oh, she’s so smart, because she has a job as a temp at a think tank! Look at her, walking down the street—
DIANE
Just, shut up, Jared—
JARED
Don’t—don’t…don’t tell me to shut up, okay. Just don’t do that.
(Pause.)
DIANE
I really…I just can’t live like this, Jar…
JARED
The bed bugs, I’m—I’m telling you, they’re not my fault. I promise, I’m doing everything I can to get rid of them—
DIANE
You have to keep your room clean, you can’t just clean it up once and then go back to not cleaning it and not expect them to not come back…
JARED
There were way too many double negatives in that sentence—
DIANE
I mean, Jesus, think Jared.
JARED
I know, I know, and I’m sorry, I promise from now on, you know, I’ll keep my room clean…
DIANE
I had a dream last night, Jar…that I was going around the city with this huge bed bug crawling around my skin, I mean, I wasn’t grossed out by it, it was weird, it was like this bed bug was my friend, like this bed bug was you, like my boyfriend. And I was having a great time. We were holding hands and shopping together and this bed bug was making me laugh, and then it grew even bigger, as big as me, and then it chewed my head off.
JARED
Jesus, Di, you should probably see someone about that—
DIANE
Don’t you get it Jared!? You are the bed bug! You bit off my head…
JARED
I would never bite off your head, that’s ridiculous—
DIANE
Metaphorically…Damnit, Jar, it’s a—
JARED
I knew that, Di, I was just making a joke—
DIANE
I just, I’m sorry, but I think it’s over. I think we’re over.
JARED
No, don’t…don’t say that. You don’t mean that.
DIANE
I can’t live with you—
JARED
I’m going to get rid of them!
DIANE
It’s not them, Jared! I mean, yes, initially, yes, it was them, but it’s more than that—it’s…I shudder at night when you touch me. That’s not…normal. And I think to myself, you know, “Why? Why am I in this relationship?” And…Jesus, I can’t come up with one good reason…
JARED
Alright, I think we’re both saying things that we don’t necessarily mean right now—
DIANE
Jared…
JARED
I’m going to clean my room—and, and, I’ll get the bed bug spray and I’ll spray the shit out of everything, and I’ll clean both of our clothes like 3 times today and when you get back from work, you know, like you’ll have calmed down by then and then we can talk, sans bed bugs…kay?
DIANE
I just can’t do this anymore—
JARED
Stop saying that!
DIANE
I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t—
JARED
Okay…Okay, I get it, you can’t…
DIANE
We are just…ugh, I mean, do you really think this relationship is healthy? Forget about the bed bugs, right, just forget about them, and answer me honestly, do you think this is a healthy relationship?
JARED
What do you want from me?
DIANE
Just answer the question, Jared!
JARED
Well, I don’t know—
DIANE
Oh God—
JARED
Seriously, I don’t…I don’t even know what that means, “A healthy relationship.” What you mean like do we go on jogs together?
DIANE
Don’t be a smartass, don’t try to be funny right now!
JARED
You think—you think I’m trying to be funny right now? In the midst of you breaking up with me, and doing a shit job at it, you think I wanna start cracking wise?! No, I’m serious, you say that like it actually means something. I don’t know any one of our friends that has a “Healthy” relationship, because those people are boring. And anyone who pretends like they are in that, well they are fucking lying to each other because it just doesn’t exist. You know what I think?
DIANE
Please, enlighten me…
JARED
I think…you’re afraid—
DIANE
What?! Of What!?
JARED
You’re afraid that you’re falling too hard for me—
DIANE
Oh my—
JARED
What?!
DIANE
Please, Jared, no…hahaha…oh god, no, no…
JARED
You don’t have to laugh…
DIANE
I’m—you’re right, you’re right. I’m sorry—
JARED
I mean, is it that ridiculous to think that maybe that’s the case?
DIANE
No, it’s not, you’re right—
JARED
I’m right?
DIANE
About, Jared, about it not being that ridiculous, but not about me falling too hard for you, you are definitely not right about that.
JARED
Oh, I am definitely not right?
DIANE
Well—
JARED
Definitely, she says.
DIANE
I just know what I feel right now, and it’s not that, yes Jared, it is definitely not that. I think you’re a great guy, and—
JARED
Oh, give me a fucking break—
DIANE
And I still wanna be friends with you, but—
JARED
Will you stop treating me like I’m some regular guy who you’ve been dating for 6 months, okay, will you just save me the semantics—
DIANE
You are a guy who I’ve been dating for six months!
JARED
I want you to look me in the eyes, okay, I want you to look at me deep in the eyes and say that you don’t want to be with this anymore—
DIANE
I don’t want to be with you anymore—
JARED
No! Don’t just—really look in them, kay? You can’t just answer super fast like that, that’s not how it works.
DIANE
How what works?
JARED
Just do it, okay? Humor me, please and just do it.
DIANE
Ugh…fine, fine, whatever…
(DIANE and JARED stare at each other for a good five seconds.)
DIANE
Can I say it now?
JARED
Uh huh…
DIANE
I don’t want to be with you anymore.
JARED
Well, then…if that’s how it is, that’s how it is I guess.
DIANE
I still want to be friends, Jar, I really do…
JARED
Okay…
DIANE
You know, we can still hang out. We’re still friends, right?
JARED
I don’t…I can’t be your friend, Di. I mean, I love you. You are someone that I love, do you get that? Someone that I thought I was gonna be in the long haul with—and I know you think that sounds stupid, I know that, I think it sounds stupid too, ya know…but, fuck, it’s true. The long haul…stupid…
DIANE
No, hey, no…no, that’s not stupid, it’s not, it’s sweet, Jar, it’s really sweet…
JARED
Yeah, alright…
DIANE
Alright…
JARED
So, I guess you gotta go to work, yeah? So, tell ya what, I’ll go ahead and clean all your stuff—
DIANE
Oh, no, Jar, you really don’t have to—
JARED
No, no, three times like I said, and, uh, and when you get back, you know, it’ll be in a bag—I’ll, I’ll put it in one of mine and, you know, you can just return it whenever, or…whatever…
DIANE
That’s, yeah, okay, that’s really sweet of you, Jar—
JARED
It’s whatever…
DIANE
Yeah, okay…well, ahem, I, um, I—I should go, um, get to work—
JARED
Yeah, yeah, of course…
DIANE
I’ll come by later though and, yeah…
JARED
Yeah.
(DIANE starts to head for the door. JARED takes a seat. DIANE stops at the door, she lowers her head.)
DIANE
Maybe you’re right…
JARED
What’s that?
DIANE
Maybe…Maybe I’m scared, you know, of this…the next step…being in it for the long haul, God, that really does sound stupid, but—no, Jar, maybe it’s just nerves, or, or something…
JARED
You really mean it?
DIANE
I don’t—I don’t know anymore, but you’re right, healthy relationship, what does that even mean? What we have, this is something, you know, something real, even if it is a little fucked, it’s real.
JARED
Oh, Di, I love you so much…
(JARED runs to DIANE, and DIANE runs to JARED. They embrace, they kiss. All is well!)
DIANE
Whatever this is, we can work it ou—
(JARED slaps DIANE across the face. They separate and DIANE holds onto her freshly slapped face.)
DIANE
Ow! Jared, what the fuck—
JARED
I got it—
DIANE
Jared, you slapped me!
JARED
Fucking bed bug, I got you! Di, look, I got it!
DIANE
Yeah. No, I was right—
JARED
What?
DIANE
We’re done! I can’ t believe I fucking thought that even for a second…
(DIANE quickly makes an exit.)
JARED
Di, Di! I’m sorry! (Pause.) Fucking bedbugs!
(Lights out. End of play.)
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